So enough already... I decided to enter the online dating world. I thought why not. I'll give it a try in the spirit of research.. I would date 100 men in 1 year from 3 different sites.
Okay ..... that's WAY, WAY too much.
So I scalded it back and decided ...... 10 Men. 30 Days. 1 Site.
The journey began.....
I began by researching a few different sites... the larger, well advertised ones were my first choice..MATCH and E-HARMONY .
They felt too intense, I've never been big on anything main stream anyway..and it was abit overwhelming.
Then one of my co-workers (who happens to be Jewish) found her mate on a JEWISH dating site, so I thought, maybe I'll try BLACK PEOPLE MEET...a site that's targeted to my race.
So I went online and created a profile. Let's just say WOW ! It was within minutes..I had interested candidates.
I thought "cool"...this is going to be fun......... NOT !!!!
These guys were WAAAAAY to eager... I mean you would think I was this hot, sexy chick.. I mean the rap was on..they were sending me messages, wanting to meet IMMEDIATELY. I had men coming out of the wood works !!!!
I literally was on that site for 8 hours and shut it down.. too much... I was getting scared.
I couldn't slow it down. I realized then I was a virgin to the dating online world.
I had to pull back and re-group.
I was not prepared ...had no game plan....had no rules.
So I did alittle research and created a checklist:
1. Don't have to respond to every person.
2. Read profiles completely before you respond or engage.
3. Study every photo ...background, clothes, lighting ...everything ! This will come in handy later
4. Once engaged let them do the talking...men will tell you who they are and what they want within the first 10 minutes of meeting.
5. Check time line ...how long have them been a member. Believe me it's important.
6. No kissing of the first date........PERIOD !
Now I'm ready...
The site I decided to join a free site OK CUPID. I had heard this site was much more relaxed, more creative, artsy types.
The first few hits I received were horrible.
So I re-wrote my profile...and I paid for a month of service. I was hoping this narrowed the scope of men. And it did. I started meeting different types of guys...more interesting, more attractive.
My first date...well it was actually just a few conversations . He was interesting at first, someone I thought I wanted to get to know. I'm usually not attracted to white men (well actually by first high school crush was a white guy....I really liked him but his family would never approved. I guess I've never gotten over the hurt)..but after reading his profile and checking out his photos, I thought why not. However, after the third conversation I realized he was more interested in the color of my skin. I was a fantasy of his..on his bucket list.
Not interested...Next.
Now my second date.... I was excited... we meet for lunch at a cute french cafe on the upper westside. I will admit I was a bit disappointed. He showed up dressed in gym clothes, he was extremely laid back, as if I was one of his errands for the day. In spite of that , the date went rather well we talked for hours. I felt like I had known him for years.
He was an artist and a musician. Divorced with 2 grown children..and was very close to his family. It was really strange...I wasn't physically attracted to him but felt extremely comfortable, very familiar. And that's when it clicked. He reminded me of a man I had been married to for 9 years. So I ask a few more questions...and yes they shared the same zodiac sign. But it wasn't until he told me his true profession...a hairstylist (my ex husband was a barber,artist and musician ) I ran as fast as I could and never looked back.
The next adventure..my 3rd guy....he was fun and light. He called everyday, we texted all day and he had such a great positive attitude. The photo's from his profile were stunning, he looked Italian. I loved his smiled and the way we dressed... I'm a sucker for a great dresser. But we never met and he always seem busy. I realized he wasn't that interested in me... It was still really cool. . I didn't over think it, I just ended it.
My fourth guy was young ...well younger than me ( by 10 years) such a cutie-pie, great smile, great body... He was a middle school teacher, played guitar and knew what he wanted . I loved his energy...very natural. But we both knew it would never go any further..... he wanted kids ...I've been blessed with 2 beautiful sons...I'm done ! So we talked a few times...promised to stay in touch and moved on. I wish I knew a someone I could introduce him to...he's a great catch !
Number five held my attention quick fast and in a hurry. He was a fast talker, Sexy, blonde (yes a white guy) he had that California energy, he was ready to have fun. He made me laugh and wanted to see me immediately. I was blushing for days... I loved his openness. I felt like we were having sex everytime we talk. He was very honest about his intentions and felt everyone actually wanted the same thing SEX...but they aren't honest about it. I was intrigued, but when he ask for my address.. I got scared.
And that ended that.
By now I had a rhythm. I was able to read thru the bs .... number 6 and 7 felt like the Matrix....been there done that. I was ready to retire my project. But I couldn't just walk away.. I still had 2 weeks left. So I pushed on...continued to read more profiles........blah blah blah.
And then I met number 8...WOW. He was kind, gentle and attentive. Actually I met him briefly once before...he was the only interesting profile on BPM (Black People Meet) .
I was so excited when I saw his profile again..it didn't cross my mind to ask "why was he on a different site"......it didn't matter I was just happy to see a familiar face.
I immediately shot him a email and demanded that we meet.. I felt the skies open.... I thought I had hit the jack pot. This was why I was doing this project.
My Mr Right had appeared.
Or so I thought....
We went out a couple of times and had a great time. We went for walk along the Pier, had brunch, he cook dinner . I was really feeling this guy ! It had only been a week ...and I began to noticed there was something heavy about him. Something I couldn't put my finger on. I thought maybe he was just a dark person or it was because of his job... I was willing to ride the heavy wave...
Then it dawned on me to google him....that's when it all came out.
Let's just say PLAYER PLAYER PLAYER. It was comical. Women hated him and it was all over the Internet. He was smooth, he knew how to treat a women, made promises ...he apparently was the MAN ! That did it for me.
So.... I shot him a email via facebook to let him know I was de-friending him and wished him well.
He never contacted me again ...crazy I know !
Still I was not giving up on my journey...10 men 30 days 1 site ...
I can't lie I become bored...the men were all the same.
Online dating is for entertainment purpose only....was my conclusion.
However, I continued seeking, kept reading over profiles, responding to a few emails.
I was beginning to enjoy the non-attachment yet entertainment I was experiencing.
Besides I paid for 30 days... with less than 1 week left...it WAS just an experiment anyway..another story to tell.
Just as I was wrapping up my little project..... I met my mirror.
He is so much like me.
Yes he's online...looking for love...but he's luke warm about it. Doing it because he can with very little expectation.
So we talked and we laugh and we both were attracted each other...alittle scared even.
I let him know about my project and that was ending soon.
He seems to get it...not be offended. I wondered if he would be my last one.
Now I'm wondering why I told him. I never told the other guys.
I think I like him.
But he's number 9....
Interesting enough 9 is the number of completion (from a spiritual standpoint).
Will my number 9 complete me ? ( I wonder)
Will he make me see my fears and insecurities as well as my beauty and strength?
Our first date ..well he stood me up ! Let him tell it wasn't a date.
You be the judge:
Earlier that day I mentioned to him I would be near his area.....
visiting a museum in Harlem ( he lives in the Bronx) ...he stated he would stop on his way home.. Not so much !
Boy did I feel stupid.. the entire evening I was looking over my shoulder, looking at the entrance.......just waiting for him to appear.
Finally I called him (texted him)...and his reply was "Oh I got a hair-cut and decide to go home..besides it started raining"....
WOW really !
Well that did it for me...I was done...I deleted his number and enjoyed that rest of my evening.
I was disappointed, but not sad. I just figured he wasn't that interested and he was rude.
I had been thru so many different guys one more wasn't going to make a difference.
The next day .which was a Saturday...I was at work, I noticed he had texted me .... and.actually called... I had deleted his name and number, but I knew it was him...Besides men love the chase !
After a few hours I decided to respond to his text , he acted if nothing was wrong. I'm sure he was expecting me to be the typical "angry black women" I wasn't. I thought about it, I really did like him, no need to be so hard .
I decided to let my guard down ..
He told me he had just left a street festival on the upper east side..
I told him I was just getting off work and was in SoHo..he asked if I wanted to meet up , hesitantly I said okay. Besides we had never met.
With my attitude slightly adjusted we met at my local after work spot in SoHo .
He was abit under the influenced. I guess my photo's didn't do me justice, he seem surprised at my appearance. He kept saying how attractive I was and he was being extremely touchy... I had to remind myself he was abit ( more than abit) under the influence and this was our first time meeting.
We spent the evening have a few drinks, talking and getting to know each other... actually I spent the evening trying to understand him in the mist of his slight drunken state.
I realize now he was nervous the day before, that's why he stood me up, and his drunken state gave him the courage to meet me that evening. MEN....
Not that I'm okay with that but I find it quite endearing....
The evening ended and I returned to the final week of my project.
After meeting my number 9.. I had zero interest in meeting anyone else. ZERO !
I gladly deleted my profile and started writing about my experience.
I felt it was too early to tell if my number 9 would be my forever. But I know I wasn't looking for a number 10.
Our second date was more of the same, He stood me up again..or should I say he never committed to our arrangements.
Boy this guy was a trip ! I was done..... stood up AGAIN..but of course he knew I was over it....so the next day he tracked me down this time in my neighborhood of Brooklyn. He said he knew he was wrong for standing me up the day before (for the second time) .. I didn't really care. I knew I liked him, but I also knew he was self-adsorbed...did what he wanted to do. Didn't care about what anyone thought or how they felt... I just took it for what it was worth. It wasn't personal, it was just his way !
So we met for drinks, he never apologized, but I let him treat me to drinks and dinner...and then sent him on his way.
He was not a happy camper !!! How dare I not let him stay over ! I knew it was late and he had a few drinks..he had a 2 hour train ride ahead.. Honestly I didn't care.
Interestingly enough, he wasn't that upset. But I don't think he'll be standing me up again.
The next few days number 9 and I talked and texted alot, we shared stories of our lives, we both are divorced and single parents. We share the same zodiac sign Leo...which I've never dated before.
He told me of his last relationship of 6 years ... a white girl, almost 10 years his junior. He said it ended because he got bored and he didn't see future in it. (note to self " he bores easily")... He told me he usually don't date black women..too much work.
But I was different..he even told his daughter about me... and she was surprised.
Things steadily continued between us. We met for dinner and drinks ... went shopping ( I like his style) ...hung out at my place (he likes my place)...I really enjoy his company. I really liked this guy... he makes me smile, and I wondered if he felt the same.
Well I became so confident that the feeling was mutual, I started treating him like my boyfriend. Demanding dates, asking for wine and flowers when he came over....wanting him call during the day and just say 'hi'....talking about going to movies and museums...
Boy was I out of line..and of course he started pulling away...he got scared or was it me who was scared... " I read once..people react from LOVE or FEAR"....
He told me that's not what he signed up for...we were just friends..he wasn't capable of anything more.. Ooouch !
My number 9....our journey had come to an end. I wanted too much.
I backed off and gave him some space. I feared maybe I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough....maybe I miss read his actions or maybe I offended him with my whole project/experiment thing.
Or maybe it was me who wasn't ready for a relationship and I WANTED to sabotage it.
He was my mirror. I put pressure on him and pushed him away... WOW !
But interestingly enough I felt relieved. I could continue to stay in my place of "all men are dogs"
"there are no good men out there-ism"..."men don't want relationships".... blah blah blah.
My relief didn't last long... my number 9 has forced me to be honest with myself. It was never about the men..it was always about me. My fears, doubt, insecurities. I sabotaged good relationship just because I never felt good enough... WOW !!
Yes there are men out there that only want one thing, and they are in-capable of expressing any emotion...but there are so many others can and do !
Now I can honestly say I'm ready to experience love. I know what I'm looking for in a relationship ...
Someone who likes me and makes me feel good....makes me laugh.
Someone who wants me in their life..and has room.
Someone who I admire, trust and respect...
Someone who accepts me for who I am and I accept them.
Someone who willing to puts my needs before their own, ...knowing I'll do the same.
Someone I can give myself to completely...in the words of John Legend "All of ME"
I thought I met him and now think I may have pushed him away !
Now only time will tell ......
But in the mean time,
In conclusion of my little experiment.
I've found my number 10
It's me.
Be Well....
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